Tested

So this week was a major test in mindfulness and it was a major fail. I did not handle the moving of office very well. The first day was fine, the second a disaster. There were 3-5 people in there at various times al day. The first part of the day was ok, very nice people. The afternoon saw people piling in and out and in again. Being an introvert, this highly unsettled me and people were flopped all around and talking which made it difficult for me to work. I took off for 2 hrs in the afternoon and then 30mins before I had to leave. I tried to recoginze: ok this tension, this is stress, slow aggravation is building, mind racing, heart pumping etc...but it all turned into a snowball of emotions and tensions so that I had to remove myself before feeling crowded and smothered. The next day was better, no peeps and I got everything done. I also got the ok to move things around and switched areas that would be better conducieve for me and "visitors." I spent all day today rearranging and moving. I feel better and more secure now. We shall see how it works when I am besieged again next week.

This morning was also an epic fail. I am driving to work and some jerk who was stopped behind a truck decided he wanted to jump into my lane....NO SIGNAL, NO WARNING!!!! I slammed on brakes, honked horn, flashed high beams, cussed up a storm and yes, rode his mothering fucking ass all the way to work. Afterwards I felt bad and then not so bad about it. What could I have done differently? Acknowledge, that I might have been in a blind spot. It was an accident. Realize that my anger may have also stemmed from 4 hours of sleep. Thankfully, nothing happened. I should have directed a lovingkindness meditation toward him that he may feel calm, no fear and guilt. I am looking at this morning as a teaching lesson.

Last week, I was doing well and this week it all fell apart. Such is life. It can't be all roses, it's how we handle it that matters. I did not do so well this week, I know that. I also, have not practiced 30-40 min each day either. I intend to rectify that tonight.

Tonight also starts the no facebook on the weekend experiment part 2. Twitter, not so much. I can scan that for news and updates and that is brief.

Also, I don't know if it is the practice stirring up emotions (I am finding that it is bringing up things), but I have been missing my Bales more each day. Last night for some reason was difficult. She was my soulmate, my heart, the best piece of me and I miss her.