On Being

So last week I witnessed two miracles, one was the birth of my new nephew Declan and the other was a last minute gift of life for a young mother who was basically signing papers to die over the weekend in ICU when a call came in that a match for new lungs was found. Both a new birth, a new life....

Declan was a lil stinker and did not want to come out. He was eventually pulled out by the use of forceps. That got me thinking. Maybe he did not want to come out into the cold, harsh, realities that make up this world. That is the cynic in me at times. But balanced amongest that is the warmth, joy and love that also makes up this world. Much of the time we do want to come out of or from what we are used to. Our present situation is what we are used to, the familiar and safe. I see many people stuck in their suffering in relationships, work, family etc. They cling to the same cycles, same type of people, same type of job, same way of doing even though they cause pain and they expect different results that never come. Why?

My first reaction is that they are remarkably stupid for not learning the same lesson over and over again. Looking closer however, I see that they are used to that pain, suffering and cycle. They don't know any better or how perhaps to get out. The Ego foolishly tells them to stick it out, it will be different. Fear says the same thing. But repeated patterns, cycles and clinging to that familar suffering and pain will not produce different results no matter how hard we try. It is an endless loop that WE have to choose to stop and get off of. Some people will never choose to get off and leave. Pain, suffering and that endless loop will follow them over a lifetime.

We are all guilty of doing this. I am. I have stayed in jobs because of fear, repeating the same type of unhappy outcome. I have remained friends with those who have used me and mentally wore me down. This affected my own well being making major impacts on me psychologically and physically. It was only after going through the same patterns, same type of people, same cycle a few times and wondering why did it hit me.

I am afraid to do what I want to do because of failure and fear. It's easier to be unhappy in a job that does nothing for me. I also attract the same type of people who use me, manipulate and take advantage of what I offer emtionally and friendship wise. I am used to that. I have put my own well being and what I want far down on the priority list. My mindset was if someone needs me I am there full on. People take advantage of that. That I won't say no. That I am caring. That I won't let go. That I will be ok with whatever they say or do or not say and do. That I needed to feel needed, loved and liked by caring and helping.

I had to look back at all the previous cycles and patterns of suffering in my life to see that, recognize that and want to do something about it. To stop what was making me suffer needlessly and work toward changing that. It was a come to Jesus meeting with myself, acknowledging that what I allow and not change within myelf will continue. Accepting responsibility for my own happiness, my own well being, my actions and inactions, to get out of the fear. The hardest was learning to recognizing the actions and inactions of others and letting go. Their problems are not my own, their well being is not my own, I am not responsible for their actions and what they do to continue the cycle of suffering in their own lives. I can only guide, stand on the sidelines and let go. We all have a choice and we have to face the consequences of our choices. I choose to stop perpetuating the cycle and patterns of suffering in MY own life.

Those who choose to have their ticket punched and get back on the train ride again and again and again will never have the courage to face themselves, admit that they create their own suffering and wish to be free of it. The choice is theirs. We all have the ability to stop it, It may take someone a short period of time to recognize that and it may take years. In my case it was years. I look back and sometimes think of all the years I wasted wrapped up in my own cycles of suffering, believing the Ego's and Fear's lies and just out of plain stubborness.

I can say that the cycle is broken and I am on a different path. A path, that took me a while to get on. I am happy, I am ever learning, I am ever evolving and I will NEVER have my ticket to that cycle of suffering repunched. That train ride is not me, nor for me......